**Grief Trigger Warning
This is a blog post I've been reluctant to write. Last Friday, August 9th, 2024, was the first anniversary of my mother's passing. I wanted to write this post then, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Now, a week later, on her birthday, August 15th, I'm attempting to write this post again. (Yup, my mom died six days before her birthday...) This time around, I feel more stable with my grief, and I can reflect on this past year.
A whole year went by without my mom. Sitting with that truth hurts. It's crazy to think I haven't heard my mom's voice, or laugh in a year. I haven't hugged her, or received her kisses in a year. I didn't get to spend time with her, and tell her everything about my life, like I used to. It breaks my heart that this is my new reality. Years will keep passing, and my mom, my best friend, will become a memory. Last Friday, I looked at our old pictures and videos. I finally replayed some of her old voicemails that I saved, which have been too heart wrenching to listen to. I broke down, and cried as I replayed my mother saying she loved me. Although I've felt her love all year, even without her present, something about hearing her voice say, “love you,” made it feel more real.
Writing these blog posts have definitely helped me understand my grief this year, but no amount of writing will take away the pain of loss. Like the pain button analogy, I have felt my grief ball shrink while it bounces around, but when it hits the pain button, it all hurts the same. So, August 9th, 2024, I allowed myself to feel every bit of that pain, and wailed it out. I honestly have been so busy lately that I've been slacking on my self-love dates, and grief management, so I needed a release. I let out all the pent up pain I was harboring as I remembered the details of the worst day of my life.
Bleak... I know, but that's what happened, and how I felt. After those tears started to dry, I reflected more on this year. I thought back to my very first blog post, and why I started Better Moments.
"Currently, I’m 28, single (getting over a failed situationship), broke in one of the most expensive cities (LA baby!), not in my dream career (SAG Strike crushed those dreams), and my mother, who I considered to be one of my best friends, died. Yea, this moment sucks..." - Me, heartbroken and fed up
Haha it's not funny 'cause clearly a girl was going THROUGH it when I wrote this, but looking back now, it's crazy how much can change in a year! I honestly believe my mom's first agenda when she got to heaven was making sure God sent some blessings our way to ensure her family would be ok while she was gone. If you've been keeping up with this blog, you know just how much that previous quote has changed. For those who haven’t, let me update it:
Currently, I'm 29, happily in a relationship with my dream guy. My career took me to new heights when a project I voice-acted for went to the Tribeca film festival, and won! I also booked a commercial for the first time in a year and a half, and though a girl still ain't where she wants to be financially, I've decided to move from Los Angeles to Austin, Texas.
Getting out of one of the most expensive cities, (especially while Hollywood is still struggling, and I don't even want to imagine how chaotic planning for the 2028 olympics is gonna be!) will help me reach my financial goals. Plus, I'm just kind of ready for a new chapter! I spent my 20s in LA. I grew up here, and learned how to become an adult. I did exactly what I wanted to do here– booked acting gigs, worked with some of my favorite celebs, and though I haven't officially joined, (cause them dues high as hell lol) I'm now eligible to join the Screen Actor's Guild!
My life has changed quite a bit this year. It was the hardest year of my life, and I've cried more this year than any other years combined, yet there were so many pockets of good. I got closer to my sisters through our book club. We're now on the second book, Children of Virtue and Vengeance, of Tomi Adeyemi's trilogy. (Who I met by the way! Lol maybe I'll write a blog post about it, 'cause it was wild! She's the best though. I love her!) I went to New York for the first time, and lived out my own rom-com. I saw one of my first celeb crushes, Dante Basco, do a one man show. I tried so many new things and experiences that brought me joy. My mom truly must have been in God's ear advocating for us.
This first year without my mom had so much duality. Sorrow and joy. Heartache and healing. While I was reflecting, I had the thought, "Wow, life really does keep going." This thought brought tears to my eyes, because even though I was grateful for all the things I've accomplished this year in spite of grief, it made me sad to think I could be ok without her. I know, this comes back to allowing yourself to have joy, and to not feel guilty, because your lost loved one wants you to be happy, but it still hurts. I don't want to get used to a world without my mom. However, if writing these blog posts has taught me anything, it's that I will never truly be without my mom.
I feel her love surrounding me. When I take the time to slow down and get quiet, I feel like our realms meet, and I can talk to her again. Like her name, I give myself grace in the difficult moments. I see her mannerisms start to blend in with my own, and I continue to abide by the lesson's she's taught me. I carry her genes, her beauty, the softest of her soul. Although this was the first year without her physically here, this was also her first year as my heavenly keeper, as a guardian watching over me from above. And girl, let me tell you! You're doing an amazing job up there! Sending Tribeca, and my man in the same year? Thank you bestie, and Happy Heavenly Birthday!
Surviving this first year feels like such a relief, even though I know this grief journey will be for the rest of my life. Grief will continue to come in waves, and have its ups and downs, but now I feel like I’m semi prepared for it. I now know I can at least weather this storm. Thank you all who have been a part of my grief journey this year. Thank you to those who have sent words of encouragement, gifts, love and those who gave your time to be there for me. I truly appreciate you all, and couldn't have made it through this year without you. Thank you to those who embraced my blog, Better Moments. I'm excited to continue, and see where this little blog of mine takes me.
Yea, sometimes the current moment you're in sucks, but no matter how big, or small, there's always something you can do to create a better moment for yourself. Love you all!
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