Ten Tips to Survive Your First Mother's Day Without Your Mom
We've all seen those Mother's Day Instagram posts that list out “unconventional” scenarios like, "Sending love to single mothers," or "Sending love to foster mothers, and those who are adopted." I've reposted one of those on my Instagram story before, sympathizing, but detached from any real emotion about it.
However, this year I fell into the "Sending love to those who've lost their mother" category, and I can't lie, it was rough. So, I thought I’d share my experience with you all, and give some tips on how I survived the first Mother’s Day without my mom.
1. You will cry, so cry. Don't hold back, or try to hold it in.
Every little thing triggered my grief that day, and I spent most of the morning crying. It was Sunday, so I would usually attend church, but I knew today would be a special Mother's Day service. I couldn't handle that, so I stayed home. I also stayed off social media that morning, because I knew everyone would want to share posts about their moms, and how they spent the day celebrating.
2. Steer clear of social media, and other triggers. Feel free to put your phone on Do Not Disturb.
I had originally planned to go on a hike that morning, and talk with my mom under the comforting shade of a tree, but I couldn't find the willpower to do that either. I decided to just give myself the grace to grieve, and cry it out. Rather than a cute park date, I decided to talk to my mom where I was at.
3. It's ok to change your plans. Do what you can do, and don't beat yourself up about it.
I would often lay next to my mom, usually violating her personal space, and tell her every thought I had in that moment. I really missed those times with her, so as I laid in my bed, I imagined she was there with me. I talked to her through my tears, telling her how hard today was, and that I missed her.
4. Talk to her. I believe my mom is watching over me, so when I need a chat, she's there to listen.
At first, all I felt was sorrow and loss. But as I continued to update my mom on my current life events, I started to feel like she was actually there with me. Her presence was warm and light, and it reminded me that my mom wouldn't want me to feel miserable all day. Mother's Day is all about honoring your mom, and I could still honor her memory.
5. Honor your mom in any way you can, big or small.
I have extended family members who host a big celebration brunch for their deceased loved ones on Mother’s Day. My sisters and I were invited to attend, but we all wanted to grieve our own way, on a smaller scale. Every person grieves differently, so you just have to find the best way to honor your mom for yourself. With a newfound determination to turn my day around, I decided to start a new tradition for Mother's Day.
Last year, I bought my mom a tulip bouquet, and FaceTimed her on delivery day, so I could see her reaction when she got them. She absolutely loved them, and it warmed my heart to see the smile on her face! Buying myself tulips my mom would love will be my new Mother’s Day tradition. Honestly, tulips are starting to become my favorite flower as well, so it was nice to have fresh flowers in the apartment that honored my mother.
6. Comfort is key! Whether it’s comfort food, or bundling up in a fuzzy blanket, find comfort any way you can this day.
I also bought some wine and comfort food. I've been obsessed with Salt and Straw ice cream lately, so I got a pint of my favorite flavor, Honey Lavender. I must say, my outing to get tulips and ice cream was a bit triggering. I went to Trader Joe's for the wine and bouquet, and they had huge signs everywhere saying, "ALL FOR MOM.” (sigh) Then at Salt and Straw, I had to wait in a line going outside the door which had multiple families celebrating their matriarch. (sigh) It was a lot, but I braved it all, and made it back home to my safe haven.
7. Don't be afraid to remember the good ol' days. Reminiscing can bring joy and happy tears.
With my new goal of the day being to honor my mom, I decided to listen to the playlist she curated of some of her favorite songs while looking at old pictures of us. (To my surprise, "Meet Me At Our Spot by Willow” was on there!) Reminiscing was a bit heartbreaking, but it also brought me joy as I cherished our memories together. I loved listening to her music too. My mom was just like me. She loved a good love song!
8. Make a list of your mom's favorite things, and enjoy them.
I also asked my dad what some of her favorite movies were, and decided to watch one as I enjoyed my wine and Honey Lavender ice cream. I remembered my mom thought Girl's Trip was hilarious, and I could use a laugh, so I ended the day watching that. Don’t forget, there’s duality with grief. You’re allowed to cry and laugh, and feel whatever emotion you need to at any given moment.
9. Find a reason to laugh.
Overall, it was a hard day, but I made the most of it. I cried when I needed to cry. I ate ice cream when I needed to eat ice cream. I spent time with my mom, wishing her a Happy Heavenly Mother's Day. There will be many firsts within the first year of losing a loved one. I wish I could say they get easier, like my first Christmas without her had prepared me for the first Mother's Day, but it didn't. All the firsts are hard, so remember to give yourself grace through it all, and that you don’t have to do it alone. Even though I wanted to process this day in my solitude, all my best friends reached out to me saying they were here for me if I needed them, which really meant a lot to me.
10. Have friends ready on standby. You may need someone to confide in, so have willing friends ready, just in case.
These tips helped me survive my first Mother's Day without my mom. They helped me turn a day of brooding into a day of honoring her memory. I hope these tips can help you do the same, but always remember, it’s ok to do nothing at all. Remember tip number 3, do what you can do, and don’t beat yourself up about it!
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